08 January 2005

"It was Mark Binney Miss"

If you're going to leave a horses head in my bed, please remember to detach
it from the body - extremely uncomfortable night's sleep.
Morning Rat fans...yes, I'm still alive. So far the assassination attempts
have fallen short of the mark...a couple of windows shot out as I walked to
the post office, and a drive-by, but luckily the bullets ricocheted off me
and went through the orpnanage - so no harm done.
The last of the obscene graffiti is being scrubbed from the walls of my
chatroom by volunteers, and the person who 'did his nasty' on my desk has
been identified as Mark Binney - and severely caned in front of the whole
It's strange to get irate messages from across the world. This internet is a
powerful tool. There was a time when I could only offend those within
earshot - family members and long suffering friends. Now I can upset the
world, and be 'a noob' 'less than zero' and heap shame upon myself, all from
the comfort of my living room.
To those interested in geographic social anthropology, last night's little
episode has brought up some interesting points. The people who took such
umbrage at my casual bile, all seem to be living on the west coast of
America...along the San Andreas fault line. In a state governed by an
Austrian Nazi bodybuilder. In this slice of Mars on earth, there seems to
exist small colonies of boys and girls - mostly boys I'd hazzard, who
believe it's still 1985. In this artificially irrigated paradise, Brett
Easton Ellis is still in High School and The Breakfast Club is showing at
the local mall.
Somehow, by linking the M word with the word 'Girdle',these boys have woken
up, their antennae flashing and rayguns a'blazing "w.e. a.r.e. u.n.d.e.r
a.t.t.a.c.k..u.n.d.e.r. a.t.t.a.c.k..e.x.t.e.r.m.i.n.a.t.e.
e.x.t.e.r.m.i.n.a.t.e." Well you can go back to sleep now you cheeky monkeys
- it was just a bad dream, somebody must have spiked your PG Tips.
Do not ring the Devil's doorbell again....or he might send a tremor up your
faultline. Anyway, please don't make me be the bad Johnny.

The good Johnny is back, and happy to report that the boiler is installed,
the water is hot and it's more than his conscience that is clean.
So there.

By the way, Luke Haines is coming for dinner tonight, so I'll let him into
the chatroom - provided he wipes his feet. Shall we say about nine? London


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