17 January 2005

The Mortuary Cook Book

Start the week - an occasional series with your host John Moore.
Good morning. On today’s programme, we’ll be discussing the important issues
of the day, we’ll have some singing from our guests, and one of you will get
a celebrity makeover.
Oh it’s too early to sustain this high level of humour, so forgive me for
lapsing back into blandness, triteness and sneering at easy targets. I’ve
woken up?not sure for how long, to the start of another week. The ladies
have left the house and so I am in the luxurious position of being able to
go back to sleep should I so desire. My services are not required until
midday, when I trudge up the hill to retrieve the fruit of my loins from
nursery school. What the bloody hell am I doing talking to you then?
Actually, I think I will go back to bed?I’m in bed as it happens. I’ll
summon up another dream?better set the alarm though.
I’m on my second coffee and second nicorette. These addictions will have to
go. It’s all very well giving up smoking and hard boozing, but I’m deceiving
myself if I think that I’m cleaning up. There’s more nicotine and caffeine
floating around the system than ever before. Oh well, I’ve got a donor card.
When the rest of me packs up, there’ll be a pretty decent reconditioned
liver and two refurbished lungs up for grabs. Perhaps I’ll put them on ebay.
I don’t mind who has them - even a Morrissey fan. What about getting Hugh
Fearnley -Whittingstall in to cook them. I could be served up at my own
wake. This could catch on. Cannibal wakes. Very middle class. The Mortuary
Cookbook. Memo to myself..ring channel 4.
I’ve still got some of my father’s ashes. I keep them in an antique bakelite
Ovaltine mug, with some of my daughter’s hair. They never met you see, so
in some small way, I am introducing them. I took the ashes to my
wedding?they leaked out a bit. I’ll scatter them eventually - when I go to
the right place. South America would be good. He was the South America
salesman for Guinness years ago, when travelling was still an adventure?long
before the invention of the widget.
Had a lovely walk on Hampstead Heath yesterday with the girls - almost felt
like a grown up.
Anyway, I’ve over exerted myself now. It’s time for a rest. Good morning.

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