21 March 2005

The Surgeon of Kilburn

From the gleaming streamlined Moore of last weeks triumphs, this week finds me stricken with toothache and foot decay. What a reversal of fortunes.
The tooth ache, is actually sinus pain - and some pain it is...throbbing to buggery. I might have to anaethnatise the pain with alcohol - like all true sufferin'artists do...dontcha know.
The foot rot is on the mend, but I thought I'd mention it - to let you share in it's weeping purilence and pustulence. I'm sure you're dying to know. I wish I'd taken a picture to post on the site. It's the middle toe on my right foot. Swelled up emormously, and after some prodding, I thought I'd have a go at it. Amateur surgical procedures are always worth trying...however painful the outcome. The professionals are only a 999 call away. Having watched the Gunter Von Haagens discections on channel four recently, I was just waiting for an oportunity to try some diy slicing. This operation involved removing dead skin, to try to locate the entombed offender. 'Scalpel...forceps...scissors...saw, pliers...teeth..' Just call me Doctor Benway.
Having set about it with a fair gory enthusiasm, I realised that I'd made things much worse, and that I had to go out that evening. I can only liken it to walking with your foot in a plate of custard.
Still, it's all better now. No amputations or lepor colonies. I think the operation was a success. Much better than the NHS. No waiting, no infections and no hospital food. I might take this up professionally.
Should any of you require an operation, do get in touch. my rates are quite reasonable.


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