10 June 2005

Slings and Sparrows

I've taken against magpies - I've become suspicious of them. There are too many of them and I fear they are driving out the other birdlife - sparrows, thrush, bluetits - to name a few. I shall not be whispering '~Good Morning mr magpie' or indeed any other part of the day from now on. Bring on the bad luck then, see if i care. No other species is steeped in superstition that requires a greeting in order to ward off evil...except policemen, schoolteachers and dole inspectors. Well anyway, as far as I'm concerned, I'm boycotting the bastards. They can sod off. If this sounds like bigotted birdism, so be it. I want to see more tits, especially in the mornings.
I have come to the conclusion that this Crazy Frog record is a wonderful thing. Never mind it's musical content. It has singlehandedly kept the loathsome Coldplay and the execrable U2 off the number one spot. Pure punk genius. I might even advocate it's purchase...It's no worse than The Wombles, The Smurfs or any of the other novelty records that siphoned our pocket money once upon a time.
I have a question to ask, and I would appreciate any comments please. Some very close friends are about to have a child. All well and good. We have many things to give them which they will find useful. Baby clothes ,toys, general devices for the easy living infant. However ,there are a few items i feel a sentimental attachment to, which I would really like to keep for ever.
One of these is Ava's sling. Being born without the benefit of breasts, and an inability to lactate on demand, carrying Ava round in a sling was the closest to maternal contact that I got. Perhaps women don't understand this, having got on with the practical side of things. I specifically asked Mrs Moore not to give away the sling and rather embarrassedly explained my reasons for wanting to keep it. All to no avail. With an utter lack of sympathy, sensitivity and cavalier indifference, she informed me that she had parted with it. This leaves me in the embarrassing situation of going and getting it back. Fortunately, no situation is too embarrassing for me, so i will do this.
My question is - Am I being unreasonable? Personally I don't believe I am, but I must admit to a slight lack of objectivity in past judgements, where rage has mellowed with the fullness of time. Are all women so pragmatic and unsentimental, with hearts of ice, or do I find accord with some of you ladeez out there in babeland. Should I pull myself together and mow the lawn, or should I take measures?
Anyway, I have already begun a revenge of sorts. I've purchased a Seersucker suit on line from America. I will resemble an Old gentleman of the Deep South. I might take to chewing tobacco, spitting and slugging bourbon from a hipflask. Actually, I already do that one. Have a happy weekend Germs.


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