02 August 2005

Incapability Moore

I've been busy. Gardening, lifting, mowing, digging...consequently, every muscle and bone in me old wreck of a body, is complaining bitterly. Stiff - in the wrong places, aching, scratched, and with mud in places that only major surgery will reach.
It's that time of year again...Ava's birthday. I spent the entire weekend clearing the garden, to safely accomodate her new climbing frame. This involved removing paving slabs...We had a crazy paving path that cut right across the garden. These bloody slabs of concrete had to be removed...twenty of the bastards, to reduce the possibility of 'infant skull split syndrome'.
This took hours. Then of course, how to fill the holes? Not to mention the ants' nests underneath each one. I am afraid my blossoming budhist values were replaced with a more pragmatic Himlerian final ant solution. Ant Auswitz. Well actually, ant tsunami. The hose pipe of destiny washed away their beach huts, hotel verandahs, market stalls...thousands perished in the biblical ant storms. I justified this ant genocide as all warlords must - they are invaders who must be wiped out...no right to be here, less than human...obviously.
Ants are the insect embodiment of Thatcherism anyway. Hard working little nothings that never stop, never sit down and have a fag. Industious because they're too thick to stop...or learn to swim....Oh bugger, I'm preaching hate on my website. Mulla Omar-Anti Ant. I actually used to have a pet ant called Janey-Elizabeth when I was small, but I imagine Hitler had Jewish school friends, Hutu's once played with Tutsis and Serbs and Muslims used to be best pals.
Anyway, enough of this. Filling in the holes required soil. Acquiring soil requires digging. Time for a pond I thought. Dug a hole all afternoon. Hard work. Tree roots to saw through....bastard builders rubble buried inches beneath the surface....laws should be passed to prosecute builders years after they've 'completed renovations'. Send them, to jail for every child that cuts themselves open on their broken glass, old slates and bricks...which they covered with an inch of topsoil and swore they'd taken to the landfill. Hang the bastards....even old retired ones. Drag them from their rest homes and hang them upside down in the streets. better still,..Lapidation with their own rubble....I like ths extremism. I can see why people get into it now.
Well anyway, I've dug a pond. I imagined the neighbours might be rather concerned. It did look like a grave at the bottom of the garden. The family having gone away for the weekend and all....They would have fitted in there perfectly. Be warned family - daddy knows how to dig a hole. Be kind to him. Anyway, the bloody thing leaks. Pond liner is my next purchase. It looks good though. I've built the edges with the paving slabs - I hate waste. It looks almost like an ancient greek swimming pool, albeit, with crazy paving and bin liners. Still, not bad for a first go.
The climbing frame and slide took an entire day to construct. I hated mechano as a child. A lot of bars that need bolting together...to look like the spanglish instructions. Brain fried, body wrecked. Close to death. Oh did I mention that I had to move the washing line carousel, which was embedded in a concrete block the size of a block of flats? Then heave it out, and dig another hole to put it in...don't you dare mention ants.
Ava's birthday party was a great success of course - even though it rained and everybody stayed indoors...until the last bit. The rain stopped, the tiny monsters ran out, went beserk, churned up more mud than Glastonbury, destroying pink party shoes....like kids are supposed to... The climbing frame and slide will keep our children from becoming fat little monsters...exercised, strong...able to go out into the world and conquer other species. They loved it. Nodoby fell off, nobody got hurt. I am expecting a few bills for ruined footwear, but I shall fight to the highest court in the land.
I suppose I'd better stop ranting now. There's laziness to attend to. TTFN


Anonymous Anonymous said...

supercrass says-

my crystal ball and i see a home & garden television programme in the works.
here's the pitch-
follow j.moore around town as he sizes up a project, does some shopping at hardware stores, etc. once all of the work on your house is complete, we can have you assist neighbourhood churches, orphanages, old age homes, etc.
a camera crew documenting your gardening/handy man prowess can be a huge hit.
"Moore Odd Jobs Around The House" has a certain ring to it, non?

12:04 PM  

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