21 February 2006

Chicken Injector General

So bird flu is almost here - in fact, by the time you read this, it will
almost certainly have arrived. On Newsnight, a man called Brigadier
Birdwhistle called for prophylactic measures to be introduced when dealing
with chickens. I assume he was not referring to Durex Featherlight.
Is there a reward for being the first to discover a case? There should be.
Like Willy Wonka's Golden Tickets. I almost went out today to look for dead
foul on the banks of the Kennet and Avon canal. Fortunately I got waylaid,
getting in as many fags as possible before the ban. I was going to give up,
but now feel obliged to wait until the bitter end. I will make field
recordings of my wheezing chest before they become a thing of the past...or
I do. By the way, what will happen to the annual Coughing Contest at Zurich?

Concerned about the death of the radio 4 insomniac theme?...I am considering
a protest similar to the Muslim cartoon outrages, calling for the beheading
of Radio 4 executives. Don't the fuckers realize that this is the reality
re-calibration point for sleepless drug addicts and alcoholics? The time to
go to sleep signal for the nation's upside downers. What will we do now? I
don't like much these days it's true, and I know I'm rambling - I'll get to
the point in a minute perhaps. At present, I haven't got one. Might make a
joke denying the existence of David Irvine or something - I have an
unpleasant feeling that 'right thinking folk' are going to have to defend
him for the sake of free speech...sad but we must. Typical of Austria to be
touchy. Didn't what's his name with the tache hail from that neck of the
woods? And Jorg Heider? Anyway, it's none of my beeswax, I'm still thinking
about birds. Apparently they've got to come indoors. Is the millennium dome
still there? A fine chicken coop if ever there was one.

Anyway, bollocks to impending catastrophe -Personal advancement and wealth
are what concern me. I'm looking to buy a house, so if anyone knows of
one...far away from civilized people - let me know. I haven't got much
money, but I want a detached something in the middle of nowhere...reasonably
close to London. Anybody know of any shit-hole fixer uppers that require a
new lord and master? Obviously I wouldn't fix it up; no under floor heating,
rewiring or improvements of any kind. In fact, I'd probably regress it. I
would require electricity, and some kind of apparatus for the disposal of
excrement - other than this blog....boom boom - (by the way, Basil Brush
double bill on CBBC at 6 O'clock on Saturdays...only a complete fool would
miss it).
Failing this, I might return to the shit-hole fixer upper known as London,
and attempt to ply my trade. Is it too late to become a professional
footballer?
NB. Call DEFRA first thing. Get contract to become Chicken Injector General.

Must watch the documentary on Men and Motors now...I'm reviewing it for the
parish gazette.

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