13 February 2006

Never in the Anals of British Crime

Ah, Good After Noon there,

Hope you all had a lovely...it's too early in the week for platitudes isn't
it? Anyway, my rotten, dull inebriated hibernation was finally made bearable
by the news that Dick Cheney had shot a man. Made me quite ecstatic in fact.
I imagine the jokes will already be in by this stage, so I won't add to them
too tiresomely or mention Dan Quail. Hopefully criminal charges will be
brought, and I for one demand to read the toxicity reports on Double Barrel
Dick. Please God, let him have been drunk or on drugs. Obviously it could
have been worse. If it had been the man in charge, it could have been more
than a shotgun that went off by mistake. Still, it must be a first. Reverse
Assassination. Imagine Deely Plaza...Imagine the Zabruder (?) footage. In
technicolour slow-mo, Kennedy calmly sprays Uzi rounds into the crowd.
Imagine Pope John Paul II firing a pistol at worshippers, like at a rap
concert? Leaders used to carry on like this you know - read the history
books.

Sinisterly, Endoscopy machines have been walking out of hospitals in the
Yorkshire area. Police are stumped. "Never in the anals of British
crime...." etc. As a keen reader of Holmes, perhaps I can throw a little
light on the subject. I suspect they are being stolen to order for the
purposes of Pornography. That is why I'd do it anyway. Since gynecological
porn is now thoroughly old hat, and can even be viewed on Emmerdale,
something a bit stronger is required. You mark my words, intestinal tract
porn is on its way. Now where did I put the plunger?
My next theory - wot I have just had, is even more worrying...although if it
pans out, I claim my $30 million. Now isn't there something wrong with Bin
Laden's kidneys? Wasn't he having dialysis? and his own machine? This might
seem like a long shot, but I am prepared to wager that he's behind the
thefts. I'll go further - he's living in Leeds. Obviously, due to
fatwaphobia, I shan't be claiming a connection between hunches one and two,
but then again - who'd have ever predicted that Dick Cheney would have shot
his lawyer?

Well, its' Valentine's day tomorrow. I am not yet fully recovered from the
catastrophic injuries sustained last year when I was crushed by the postal
delivery, but I am prepared to accept electronic messages of love, proposals
of marriage, or even suggestions as to what I can do with an endoscopy
machine. In the meantime, here is my valentine's message to y'all:

Roses are red, violets are blue
Those who offend Islam will be beheaded

XXX

2 Comments:

Blogger the urban fox said...

That's a beautiful sentiment. Bless you.

6:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In this post-911 world, we need leaders who are decisive. To have not shot his 78-year-old friend in the face would have been sending a message to the quail that America is weak.

4:57 AM  

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