19 March 2006

The Birdman of Burghfield

To my dear chums on the outside, please be patient with me. Blogging is not easy when you are watched twenty-four hours a day. Fortunately, I've drugged my mother with a glass of Nottage Hill Cabernet Sauvignon, smuggled in from the local shop, so hopefully the coast is clear.
Things are not going well in cell block H. The prison diet is beginning to cause health problems of a most disgusting nature. It's only because I know and trust you, that I can mention by gastro-intestinal area.. I think it could be a plot by the authorities, to kill this otherwise healthy man - and threat to the status quo. It pains me -and strains me to report on the growth of a 'Fecalith' in my gut. I will not go into details - these are available on health websites - suffice to say, Fecalith is not a shit heavy metal band - rather the result of long-term poisoning by Marks and Spencers microwave meals. Elvis had one apparently - our similarities are almost endless aren't they?
I had felt slightly sluggish for some time, which I put down to suicidal depression and advancing middle age; nothing sinister, just the inevitable results of advancing years. However, when I put on my three piece suit recently, to attend an out-prisoners day, I was shocked to learn that the waistcoat straps required adjustment. Further investigations - which involved stripping off, and regarding my naked profile in the bathroom mirror, gave me a very nasty shock. Where once there was air and nothingness, now a vast stomach hung - almost two stomachs. I realized at once that I had been poisoned! All this pretence at motherly love was in fact a vile ploy to murder me, de-sexualize me ( so I'd never be a hit wit da ladeez again and never leave home to shack up with a bird )and probably a paid assignment to neutralize me, from the man...who fears me.
Of course, I have taken immediate steps to rebel. I have demanded less food, less sugar in my coffee, and space to exercise. I did three sit ups two days ago, then went for a long walk. This seems to have done the trick, but I shall be keeping a weather eye on my waistline. I WILL NOT BE TURNED INTO A SEXLESS PATE DE FOIS GRAS GOOSE SON. Not me sir. If matters persist, I will buy a bicycle. My body is my temple dont cha know.
I think she's got wind of my rebellion as well, so she's trying to attack me in other ways. Paranoid? I don't think so...you judge. Today, she washed my pyjamas, and left my hanky in the pocket - a deliberate act of mischief if ever there was one. What mother would wash their son's pyjamas withouth first checking the pockets -only a very evil one - Rose West, Myra Hindley...that kind of thing.
Do you know, she complained about my attitude tonight.." You come in and turn OFF the television". I'll tell you what....for my own safety, please keep checking this blog, because I'm scared she's planning to do me in...or make me get a job or something.
I have had three constructive thoughts this week. The first was to get a complete health MOT. I believe you have to pay for these, but nevermind - I'm rich. Then, if as I believe to be the case, I am diagnosed with chronic cancer everywhere, brain tumours, avian flu, aids, and all the other jazz, I shan't have to bother. I can toss myself off Beachy Head ( Not at ) with impunity. The second was to get writing -only had one rejection so far....more to come I'm sure. It is difficult to function on anything else but complete rejection....lifelong habit and all that. The third, was to do something musical again.
Not much hope then. Had to tell the solicitor what I intended to do to remain solvent for the next few decades - that's what I told her. I forgot to mention selling the family cows and growing a beanstalk.
On the plus side, I've just discovered that two of the places I go for walks, but give up halfway, actually link up. The top of the hill and the bottom of the hill - I didn't recognize them - I thought they were different hills - that's almost biblical wisdom isn't it? Night night. XX


Anonymous helter skelter said...


I'm going t have to drag you into Reading for beer and fun.

Are you familiar with the local hotspot that is Honeypot? I'm sure you are!

Take care helter



11:24 AM  

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