10 May 2006

The Lord Spoke to Me

Like many single men living with their mothers, I have had a religious experience - which I'd like to pass on to you. As I tossed and turned last night on my fold out divan, the Lord himself appeared to me. As we all know, he can take many forms, changing them at will to suit the circumstances and colour schemes of his environment. For my visitation, he chose from his many disguises, to appear as gin. How did I know it was him? you might well ask...and you'd be right. Well normally, I don't drink gin, but something told me - a divine voice if you like, that I must seek gin - so I did. It was after imbibing this sacrament that he spoke to me. Why he chose me, I can only guess. Perhaps it's that I am a single man living at home with his mother - apparently we are more receptive or something. Anyway, what he told me might shock you. Apparently, there's been some sort of mix up - something to do with the paperwork. It seemed a little trivial at first, but if you'll just bare(?) with me for a moment, I am sure you will appreciate the significance of what I have to tell you.
It concerns Pete Doherty, Kate Moss, Jordan and Peter Andre. Apparently due to a clerical error, they're with the wrong people. Easy mistake I suppose - Pete 'n' Kate, Kate 'n' Pete...Celebrity couples. Well apparently, Doherty is supposed to be with Kate Price, and Moss is supposed to be with Peter Andre. He seemed quite upset - God I mean. Well no wonder there's been all the trouble....it's quite obvious when you look at it in the cold light of day. It all started to go wrong with I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. He didn't specify how exactly, just that it did - possibly an insect bite or something - that's just my guess.
Doherty has of course, been driven to ever increasing depths of depravity of late, and according to God, this stems from the fact that he should have been sharing Jordan's marital bed. It's the wrong order of things - which can wreak havoc apparently. Moss of course is.................

Readers of this occasional series of thoughts, insights and witticisms, will no doubt be glad to know that I am keeping myself busy. Slight improvement on the food, and I am taking more exercise - by lifting my legs in the air while seated. The Bluebells are blooming and I've bought some premium bonds.
Onwards and upwards - for the legs at least.


Anonymous Martin said...

Careful with that religious talk. Someone might nail you to a tree.
When is this book of yours coming out then?

2:55 AM  
Blogger Neil Scott said...

Bad luck for yesterday. Almost the full nine minutes, but seven isn't bad. This is David Blaine, isn't it?

8:46 AM  
Blogger John Moore said...

I've got no idea how to reply to you personally Martin, so I will just say - probably fackin' never. The lady at Faber who said it was 'brilliant darling' has gone on maternity leave. I don't believe that fecund ladeez should be given jobs...at least when I've sent them a manuscript. The Victorians had it right. Poor Old Disco Dave tho, he's got it worse...still at least his suffering is over.

1:03 AM  

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