23 May 2006

Occult Visitations

I've just had a brush with the occult, and I must tell you, I am all the better for it. This is the kind of case that gives conclusive proof to the existence of other dimensions, astral planes and all the other wotnots that boring scientific people have being trying to poo poo for donkeys years. I expect that the Fortean Times will be in touch, and I'll be invited to address the Society for Psychic Research. In fact, when I reveal what I am - in a rather slow way perhaps - about to reveal, I expect all the major news networks - and the Archbishop of Canterbury to be beating a path to my door. Well here goes...this is my tale - as it happened to me.

Last Sunday afternoon, when I drove my daughter back to London, we could not find her Childrens' Classics Cd - which meant a troublesome journey up the M4, not soothed by The Ugly Duckling, Nick Nack Paddywack, or any of the other nursery masterpieces that usually make it such a pleasant drive. The Cd was nowhere to be found, and believe me, I searched for it - I was made to give the car a thorough going over by a child who I believe - suspected me of some kind of trickery - like throwing it out of the window while she was distracted, trying to crush a banana into the back of my head. Well not true, not a bit of it. I love it as much as she does, and was terribly troubled by it's absence. Well, to cut a long story short, I have just returned from a spin around the countryside - through torrential downpours, across overflowing brooks, past the excellent Aldermaston Secret Weapons facility, and down the back lanes of life, rarely bothered by motor vehicles.
My first inclination of an unearthly visitation was the clouds of steam coming off the roads - it had just rained you may say - I tried to reason this as being the case, but the mists swirled in an unusual way...well, my psychic radar tuned in, and I watched for further signs of spirit activity.
The journey continued for some miles, and my mind wandered to other matters. I reached my destination - a small storage facility, charged with the responsibility of guarding my possessions, while I reside at my mother's kindly but by no means spacious domicile.
I alighted my vehicle, and went to pay the nice lady who runs the place, a cheque for two months. I then returned to the car. I should note, that on leaving the vehicle, I noticed spectral mist coming from the engine. I hoped this was spectral mist, because I haven't checked the oil recently, and she is overdue a service.

Anyway, on returning to said transport, I was shocked to find the lost Cd at my feet, shining up at me. It had not been there before, it could not possibly have rolled back into view from some hidden cranny, and it was not in any way scarred by days on the car's extremely filthy floor. Applying the Occams Razor principle to the problem, which states that once every other explanation has been ruled out, the last remaining - and least likely must be true, I surmised that the Childrens'Classics Cd had been taken onto the astral plane last Sunday afternoon - perhaps for a Spirit Childrens' party, and returned to me this afternoon, by invisible hands, reaching through the spectral mist when I wasn't looking. I did consider - albeit briefly, that I might have been the guinea pig for some advanced new weapon being produced at Aldermaston - perhaps in tandem with the spirit world, but quickly dismissed the notion as ridiculous. Spirits would never become embroiled in the production of weaponry.

I am sure you will all agree with me, that my reading of this extraordinary situation is the correct one. If there are still any sceptics out there, the evidence is as plain as the big nose on your painfully plain face. You can ask my daughter if the Cd was missing. She will concur with my true account. If you don't believe that the Cd has been returned, I can show it to you. If you don't believe it is the same Cd. I can play it to you. It jumps at the same spot. What further explanation for the existence of the occult could you ever possibly need?

Memo to myself. I wonder if the Spirit world can store my stuff until I need it again. Be a damn sight cheaper.

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