14 October 2006

Early Release for bad Behaviour

My exile is drawing to a close, that’s right London – prepare yourselves – The Moore is coming back…and this time it’s personal. Assuming credit checks don’t find me wanting in the fiduciary department, I have got me the ultimate bachelor pad. Bohemian squalor in one of London’s leafiest districts – quite close to where the fellow had his head lopped off in the street last year. The place is a bit of a tip, but the sort of tip I like. A Chaise Longue, a few silk drapes and my selection of stuffed animals – which were even frowned upon in the former marital home, will make this London’s premier boudoir et salon.
What makes this even more desirable, is that it’s above a garage – just like the Fonz. I don’t mean a petrol station – that would be dangerous with all the freebasing I’ll to be doing – and flambéing…I am actually looking forward to cooking again. Did I mention that here at mother’s, the oven has not worked for three years – and she doesn’t miss it? She’s of an age where ladies were forced into the kitchens, so quite understandably rebelled….she’s been on the front line of culinary feminism for the past thirty years…Not that I’ve suffered you understand….(she reads this you know.) I’m not for a minute suggesting that she is the sort of lady to push pies through school gates. I’ve eaten every sort of delicious healthy concoction that can be microwaved in three minutes or less. I did have to accuse her of attempted murder on a few occasions…stay away from M and S macaroni cheese unless you want a fecalith. ( Think compacted contents of Elvis Presley’s colon here) but anyway, ungrateful little toss-pot prodigal bastard that I am, my fattening stomach will soon be a thing of the past, and the elasticated trousers and incontinence pants can be binned once and for all.
I’ll throw little soirees, wearing my long silk dressing gown – which I’ll locate from the bags of clothes piled up in the shed, I shall hover over the stove, saucepan in one hand, red wine in the other, whisking up a little supper for myself and the lovely dining companion I’ve enticed from the local boozer. God, I feel like Harold Steptoe. .

I hope the mechanics don’t wake me at some ungodly hour, but what the heck – I think I’m ready to come out of my bi-polar tundra and re-enter the sunny world anyway – Christ, I might even start getting up before noon – and conducting a life.
It’s close to thespian enclaves, so I imagine I’ll be hanging out with the stars - wife swapping – when I’ve located another wife of course – I don’t imagine ????? would take too kindly to my phoning her up to ask if she’d mind me swapping her in absentia – it could catch on though – Ex-wife Swapping .Instead of throwing the car keys onto the table, it’d be the house keys…bank accounts, furniture…Only joking. We’re on jolly good terms. In fact, she accompanied me to the viewing today. We are very modern sophisticated people.
It’s only five minutes walk from my daughter’s school – she’s already suggested escaping from her classroom and coming to hide with me all day – she’s five years old bless her.

Other business

I played the saw with the Idler Ukelele Orchestra on Wed night at the Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club. If you want the gory details, go to www.Idler.co.uk Poor Tom had been stressing about this for months…arranging rehearsals that nobody went to ( the kid’s got a lot to learn about running a band ) I think it’s a mid-life crisis brought on by the huge success of Gav’s Cloudspotter’s Guide, Anyway, he needn’t have worried. It was a great success, and although it might not net him millions, it will get him out of the house once in a while – which to all but the worst sort of musicians, is what it’s all about.

Finally, I’ve given up smoking – in a way. I didn’t want to mention it earlier in case I jinxed it. I’ve quit for a month now – albeit having the odd one if I’m out – and twenty last Saturday, and ten on Wednesday and three last night. I’m feeling quite healthy in fact……Wouldn’t that be funny if it was the last sentence I ever typed.


Anonymous Aggressive Luxury said...


You'll be just fine. Believe me.

5:19 PM  

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