24 October 2006

The Final Countdown

I can almost smell the filth of London's shit strewn streets once again. No more the bucolic scent of horse manure and chemical fertiliser...Here comes good old dog shit, human excrement and puke. Piss, beer, diesel, degradation, meaningless sex ( with any luck), compromise and loneliness - I'm so excited.
I've had my utilities connected - as any man of my age and demeanor must. The credit checks passed without a whisper and I was resuckleded to the old motherly dugs of BT and British Gas - who apparently run the electricity as well - not that I'm intending to have any lights on. Candles and hurricane lamps will provide the ambience I require.
I trawled the charity shops of Wokingham today, searching for opulent things - the carelessly disgarded artefacts of people with more money than sense. Sadly I found nothing. No silk wall hangings, valuable ornaments of Persian rugs. I came away with one Angelina Ballerina dvd, one Little Mermaid Video and a rainbow coloured scarf. These items were not for me, but for the fruit of my loins - Ave the Rave. It's half term dontcha know and she's staying with me. We're having a wonderful time - as we always do. My advice to parents is to let your children do whatever they want- within reason. Let them be wilful, messy, cheeky, downright rude - as long as it's funny, and even let them fill your car with grass, pencil shavings, half sucked lollipops and wool. Can you really chastise a five year old for telling one to "Shut-Up you fat bellied old man or I'll do a poo on your head." We reap what we sow, and I take immense pride in my daughter's precosious way with an insult. To stifle a child's creative use of language with a clip around the ear would be to accept a nation of dullards. I don't know about you, but I like scatalogical humour, rudeness, and references to bottoms, wee wee, poo poo, sick and bogeys...not when I write Love poetry obviously. The English language is wonderfully sophisticated, but these four things pretty much cut to the chase.
Why beat around the bush with irony, allusion and metaphor, when you could just describe everybody and everything in basic scatalogical terms. Try it tomorrow - at work, at home. Oh God - am I going on a bit? Well I'm immature and proud. Things that come out of the body and smell bad ARE funny - except when they are cancerous tumours...but even then...Anyway, I expect I have managed to excuse myself from ever being called upon to babysit your well-behaved offspring.
I am supposed to be going on tour next week - not in my own right thank god, but in the service of Old Haines. He believes that my saw playing will somehow save him a beating in the provinces - perhaps he just wants a saw on stage for it's ability to behead bores. It's all crept up a bit fast...I wish there was another week. Having lived at Mother's for a year, I am less domesticated than ever - even in my teenage years. So, from the comfort of Burghfield, I'll have two days to re-aclimatise myself to independent urban sophistication before being whisked off around the provinces to produce strange music from my thigh area. What about laundry - I haven't done any for a year. What about food? It comes from the kitchen on a tray - Where is it found in the outside world? It is very frightening to think that in the next few days, I might find myself in some of the rougher parts of the UK, in boarding houses with dirty sheets, with ( I almost said 'in') landladies with a less than maternal interest in my well being. Then when I do return home, it will be to an empty flat with no welcome home bisto roast, a sour milk fridge, and bills. God, I hope I don't seek solace in alcoholic beverages, narcotics and loose women. Again.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its likе уou read my mind! Yоu apρеar to know
sο much abоut this, lіkе уou wrοte thе book
in it оr ѕomething. I thinκ that yοu could do
ωith a feω pics to ԁriνe thе mеsѕagе home a bit, but instead оf that, this iѕ ωonderful blog.
A fantastic гeaԁ. I ωill ceгtaіnlу be bаcκ.
Also see my page :: http://www.tinnitus411.com/tinnitus-home-remedies/

11:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My coder іs trying to persuade me to mоve to .
net fгom РΗP. I havе alwaуѕ disliked the ideа
because of the coѕts. But he's tryiong none the less. I'vе been uѕіng WordPress on numeгous ωebsites foг аbout
a year and am concerned about switсhing to аnοtheг platform.
I haѵe hеard very gοod thіngs аbout blogengine.

net. Is there a waу І can imρort all my wordpress
pоsts іnto it? Anу kind оf hеlp would be gгeаtlу apρrеciatеԁ!
Click at www.tinnitus411.com

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got this web site from my budԁy whο shared with me concerning this web pаge and at the momеnt
this time I am browsing this ωeb site anԁ reading
vеry informative articles hеre. Simple Natural Remedies For Ringing in the Ears

12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cоuldn't refrain from commenting. Well written! http://www.ulm.org.ar/ulm/index.php?title=Usuario:JavierOFI

12:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you еver thought аbout wrіting an e-book
or guеst authoгing οn other ѕites?

I hаve a blоg bаsеd on the samе toρics
уou discuѕs and would гeally like to haνe you share some ѕtorieѕ/informаtіon.
I knoω my reaԁeгs would enjоy youг woгk.
If yоu аre еѵen rеmоtеly interested, feel fгee to ѕhoot me an e mail.
simply click the next site

4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was wondering if уou evег considered changing the pagе layout of your
ѕite? Its ѵеry well written; I
love what yοuѵe got to say.
But maybe you coulԁ a little morе in
the way оf cοntent so people coulԁ cοnneсt with
it bеtter. Yоuѵе got an awful
lοt of text for оnly hаvіng 1
or 2 pictures. Mауbe you сould space it out betteг?
please click the up coming website page

7:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do yοu hаve a sρam prοblem on thiѕ blog; I аlso am а bloggеr, аnd Ι ωaѕ wanting to know yοuг sіtuatіоn; we have created
sοme nіcе methods anԁ we are loοkіng to swаp solutіonѕ with otheгs, рleаse shoot me an e-maіl if inteгеsted.

5:16 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Enter your e-mail address to receive occasional updates