17 October 2006

Fourteen Million Fans Can't Be Wrong

Good afternoon people of Blogland. There now follows an address by your old pal. Please listen carefully.
Well glad tidings from Burghfield. The side light bulb on my car has not gone after all - mother thought it had. I drove to Dad's Shop in Mortimer, fully intending to purchase a replacement, but when I got there, it had miraculously started working again - signs of occult activity do you think? The spirits tinkering? Well whatever it was, I am pleased...it doesn't take much.
Due to the excellence of this blog, with its incisive commentary of modern living, I have been asked by The Guardian newspaper to blog for its website - which a pound to a penny is www.Guardian.co.uk - or something very like it. I shall be called upon to give my opinions on the matters of the day, and may well be instrumental...even more instrumental, in influencing world events. I believe that some sort of financial renumeration takes place as well, which will be extremely useful now that the capital beckons once again.
If I had already started, I'd probably take some cheap shots at Madonna...such as drawing comparisons between her and the Phillip Pullman character Mrs Coulter...Has the film been cast yet? A remake of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang might be appropriate.
If I were a right wing Telegraph reading old duffer, I'd say something along the lines of 'in my day, when folks went orf to Africa, they usually shot the trophies before bringing em home', which I'm not so I won't. I won't even imagine Guy Ritchie wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan 'My Wife went to Malawi and all she brought me was this...' no, I can't do it. I am convinced that the motive behind these star adoptions are quite genuinely benevolent...even though she is beginning to look like a wicked old witch...but then again, I'm no oil painting meself.
Anyway, that's probably the kind of stuff I'll be doing in the Guardian - with fourteen million readers...albeit a bit toned down perhaps.

Where do I stand on the veils issue? I think they should be bright red, so the ladies can act as mobile pillar boxes.

BTW - I've got a new website which is just about up and running.
www.john-moore.net which will be linked to my Guardian bloggage. Therefore, in the spirit of free enterprise, I am prepared to consider selling advertising space, so if any of you have something to flog, old matresses, false teeth, faulty electrical equipment, I'm your man.

I'm playing the saw tomorrow night with my dear friend Luke Haines, so do pop along - unless you are an unamused Islamic funda-mentalist or Madonna's lawyer. Cheerio.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he'll basically give you a hard time. He'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, But, he'll be pretty good in the sack."
"I can put up with that," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, there is one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
:D :D :D

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