30 November 2006

The Green Devil Vs Debretts

In a grotesque twist of the happy family - exhausting themselves doing Christmas shopping, then coming home to a contented glass of some warming elixir advertisement, I have just returned to my divorced Dad-pad from Brent Cross, heavily laden with Spud Guns, Whoopee cushions and jumping spiders; to be informed by the people on the ground floor that a parcel has arrived for me. It’s a bottle of Absinthe. I cannot believe my luck.
So far I have only helped myself to two small beakers of La Fee Verte, but already the Christmas spirit is cascading through my festive receptors. I have emailed Wreckless Eric – whom I have never met, forwarded a voucher promising thirty per cent off at the Gap to my daughter’s school, and put together a book proposal for a memoir on my Life - and it’s still only ten past eight. Who says that drink is the enemy? Show me and I’ll fight em.

Really, it’s been a very long time since I Absinthed constructively. It can be done. See Monet, Lautrec, Alfred Jarry and Van Gogh if you don’t believe me. The abomination of the other evening was the result of being handed a bottle too late in the proceedings…you don’t give a suicidal man a loaded revolver... Tonight everything is clear. I know it won’t be if I continue – which as a man of – well, let’s not say leisure, let’s call it appetites and curiosities , I almost certainly will; but the cut off point between sagacity and stupidity has not yet been traversed.
I am somewhat perplexed, it has to be said – but NOT drinking myself out of a depression engendered by – the confirmation that my erstwhile pal Luke Haines has somehow managed to get himself an entry in Debretts. Of course I realise that you enlightened readers - will frown on this ludicrously overblown, archaic singling out of a person of - at the very least - dubious merits. Fact is, I didn’t believe him when he told me in the pub. I have now seen documentary proof that it is so, and even though I am a liberal minded socialist…practically the most reasonable person you could ever wish to strike up conversation with, I am momentarily jealous. My Schaudenfreude has turned green like the Absinthe. Even though I would refuse it on principle, throw it back in their over-fed Chelsea Tractor deformed faces, and spit on the very idea of Debrettism – Why not me? Why not eh? It might boost my credit rating. Perhaps I could borrow above my visible means, which are - nowt.
I expect they had heard that I was a man of principle, and it would do them no good, even if they begged...which is true.
Anyway, I have louched a third helping of the green fairy – without eating my tea, and stupidity is imminent, so I’ll take my leave. Goodnight.

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