21 November 2006

I Remember You Well at the Habbo Hotel

On the information super highway, cool wind in my virtual hair
Warm stench of another terrible pun – rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance I saw a shimmering light
My cyber head grew heavy - I had to stay for the night….

I could go on you know – I’ve got the lyrics printed out - I swear I’m not quoting them from memory.

I have been asked by my employers to visit the Habbo Hotel and file a report on it. Imagine that – me, a humble blogger of only a few weeks standing, being sent on a luxury press junket - what a fantastic prospect - They’ll be asking me to write the front page before long.

I imagine the Habbo must be some new boutique place designed by Philippe Stark and Anoushka Hempel, tucked discreetly away from the hoi polloi round the back of Mayfair - its bed sheets made from sewn together orchid petals, and bog roll pressed from pure gold leaf - The kind of place I might meet the third Mrs Moore.

As I soon found out – much to my disappointment, the place is virtual – that is, it only exists in the real world as a binary code – a computer generated flophouse filled with computer generated celebrities. Well at least I don’t have to get dressed to go there.

As I type this, my cyber-ego Spam Filters is checking in and causing quite a scene. He’s old school you see and doesn’t like this modern bureaucracy - passwords, user names, and trying to remember his age. Spam’s been checking in and out of fleabag joints since analogue, and doesn’t need this extra heat. He’s running low on Pixel dust, which doesn’t help. He needs to score ASAP, or there’s going to be a problem.

Ok, he’s made it in and reached the elevator – so far so good. His room is ok, but it’s going to need some redecorating. " Look out below" he bellows to the Boy band on the ground, but too late. The TV set kills them instantly, but another forms immediately and takes its place. Spam thinks this is funny – like Space Invaders. He proceeds to empty the entire contents of his room out of the window, until a call from Bono begs him to stop disrupting the U2 album launch pub quiz taking place in the Stetson bar.

He prowls the upper corridors primed and looking for action. Spam is no spring chicken, but for some reason, at the Habbo, he looks like a fifteen year old rapper with a fireman’s helmet and wraparound shades – He wonders into Led Zeppelin’s suite (the Habbo is named after their legendary roadie) but the band are too busily engaged in fishing, and appear to be just about to catch something. He barges into Michael Jackson’s room, hoping to surprise his old pal who is on the balcony, showing off his new virtual baby to fans half a mile below. The shock almost causes Wacko to drop the child. Spam apologizes, makes a swift exit and heads for the lower floors.

If anybody is holding Pixelcaine, it’ll be Sid Vicious. Spam takes the old cage elevator down to the second floor, but is blocked from exiting by an NYPD Roboccop, who tells him to keep moving.

Drinking with the Warhol Super Star transvestite hookers in the lobby, Spam is saddened to learn that Sid has got himself into a spot of bother.

All good things must come to an end, and as Spam finishes his Brandy Alexander, the manager comes over for a discreet word. It appears that due to some funny business back in the real world - at the Columbia Hotel, he is banned from the Habbo chain and may not return - until he pays for the staircase he removed. Just as he is skulking off into the night however, Bono emerges from the cyber gents, sees Spam and throws his arms around him, in an extravagant show biz embrace, announcing " This is Spam Filters – he is Rock’n’Roll, he taught me all I know."
The bill is settled, Spam is reprieved, and is soon rediscovered by a new generation of fans.

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